Friday will be Billy’s funeral, which is sad enough. Apparently, finally, Billy’s glorious family decided after all to honour the occasion of the death of their son with their attendance at his funeral. You wouldn’t believe it. I mean, we hardly did, but indeed, finally, Vincent did get that phone call in that nice civilized heavy German accent, and they did get back to our initial offer helping them booking a hotel, although by now a hotel near the hospital where Billy had been (alive) when we first called is by now irrelevant, isn’t it, Mr. and Mrs. Weisslechner?
Damn, my own parents are certainly not the over-protective kind, hardly ever they have a clue where in the world I am at the moment, I suppose they think I am capable of fending for myself, in fact they thought so since I’m about eleven years old, but I assume they might show up at my funeral without first having to hold some family meeting or something if or if not that would be wise and appropriate.

But whatever, we rented for the family Weisslechner two rooms at the PRINCESS ISABEL, one of the most expensive (and snootiest) hotels at least somewhat in reach of the Vitantonio-Bettini Funeral Home, which was the request.
I think they’ll be pleased, as the PRINCESS ISABEL welcomes anyone, granted of course they can afford it, but has a strict selection system, and all sorts of criteria play a role in it, not just your yearly income, but also which important parties you attended during the year (yes, they keep track!), your political orientation (of course!) down to how you hold your cigarette (no joke! Better get your ass over to that bathroom mirror and practice, darling!) and so we think Weisslechners will feel right at home there.
PRINCESS ISABEL is a boutique hotel of the chain OLINSAIN, and there are several ones similar style under the same ownership with some sort of Austrian connection: there is the PRINCESS EVE, which is the newest and most modern and a tic more relaxed in selection criteria, because they want to have an ‘alternative flair’, although, let’s be honest, in that price class that’s either a joke or an illusion, whichever way you want to look at it, but anyhow many of the younger film stars tend to stay there and it’s also popular with oil sheikhs, who want to be ‘trendy’ and have the small change for doing so; also the PRINCESS EVE is famed for offering the best escort service, in-house.
Then there is the H.R.M.SABINA, which has the best cooking, so they say, a large marble swimming pool on the roof open for nightly parties (occasionally a famous person drowns there and once a drunk guest fell off the roof, since then they put a fence around it), and it’s own separate building only for the gym with drop-dead-gorgeous trainers that all worked in Hollywood with major stars and a 15 min shuttle bus back and forth to it; ironically not the fittest guests stay there, but the nuttiest and many of them world dictators. But some of us seem to have reason to want to stay there anyhow.
And then there is the EMPRESS EDELWEISS, that is the oldest and tackiest of them all, everything is Old World Charm, marble and velvet curtains and gilded bronze statues of Roman deities like they have a kinky Diana, and a Mercury with winged sandals, and that sort of stuff, and it and has the strictest selection procedure, you don’t get in if you don’t send it a video of the person signing up for a room singing the Austrian National Anthem (I know…, but hey, I didn’t make these rules, right?!), and you better send it at least six months ahead of your planned stay, strangely enough there is a competition over the rooms there, don’t ask me, it is possible they only spread that rumor so people feel the need to try, but who knows, maybe people really want that sort of crowd, because apparently many try giving their best and quite a few, so I have heard anyways, who are not so great at singing or have low confidence, had others anyone from friends down to the maid fake it and sing instead of themselves on these videos, but insiders say, only signing is not enough, you also have to stand with excellent posture, and wearing an uniform helps you on your way. The reason why they are so much after that is because they are mighty traditional (the thing was managed for the longest time by an old Hapsburg Princess, before OLINSAIN retired her and put in place a hip fake-blonde country-beauty with a general’s step and a painted smile) and every evening at 8:00 pm before sitting down to dinner all guests assemble in the lobby where they have an indoor flag post and they raise ceremonially the Austrian flag and then sing all together the Austrian National Anthem, and it must be a very stylish and unifying experience, although not exactly my cup of tea.
So anyways, because of that six-month-ahead-video-rule we could not book the EMPRESS EDELWEISS, which is a shame, without that it would have been my first choice, Weisslechners would have loved it.

There would have been another option, one not directly affiliated with OLINSAIN, but with a different chain that at least in the past used to be linked to them, called OLNATZ, within this group the smaller and a tic less flashy QUEEN CATHERINE, which is famous for it’s somewhat conservative landscape and flower paintings on the walls (rumor has it, most of them are stolen from estates, or ended up there in other ways not quite legally, but because none are major museum pieces, wisely so, this is only a rumor and nobody bothered enough to care); anyways we thought Weisslechners might like that, and but it was only available for people who were presently actively involved /or at least had been in the past personalities affiliated with humanitarian work, ideally people sponsoring missions in areas undergoing famine or civil war. You don’t really have to go there as long as you sent the money, in fact they prefer it if you don’t live too adventurous, but wealthy and respectable is a MUST, at least on the surface what the press concerns; technically, just adopting a kid from Korea wouldn’t qualify, but yet you’d see such people hanging out there, too. Anyways, we weren’t sure about Weisslechners’ position towards international missions, so we didn’t want to take the risk of them having problems upon arrival because they might not match the strict selection criteria.

And so we booked the PRINCESS ISABEL, hoping it’s a good fit for these folks and they’ll feel right at home, there are also plenty of elegant high-end fashion boutiques nearby, as Mrs. Weisslechner had asked for the other day when billy was dying, so it should be all good; (it certainly is a wide stretch from our hotel here, the other end of the universe, it feels like!) Since it is so competitive to get a room there, they MUST like it, right? It wouldn’t be an option for me, as I don’t fit any of the wanted criteria, nor do I have the money to spare, or if I had it I wouldn’t spend it on that. But Vincent thinks it’s what they want, so there. We are currently trying to locate an opportunity for them where they can play golf whilst in town, of course nobody here would have a clue where to do that, but it is probably something you can do somewhere if you must, and I bet the topic will come up.

Attending will be apparently Billy’s sister and his mother. Billy’s dad is busy, as ever, and has no time. I have no clue about the mom, I already mentioned, only had her on the phone when Billy was in the hospital and she had to do her hair, and I never heard anything about a sister, but among his stuff was a photograph of her, where she was standing in an elegant mint green organza shawl with white dots at the harbour of Saint Tropez, and it looked like a vacation photo. Judging by the photograph she is blonde, pretty, and a bit (or a very much) on the conservative side, if you ask me; anyways, if it hadn’t been labelled on the back from just the photograph we would have never guessed the girl on the photograph was in any way close relation to Billy, they didn’t seem to have anything in common, but then again, I have no clue what Billy used to be like when he lived at home, so who knows. I guess the rest we will find out when they pop up, these two.

Josiane Keller “a photo of Billy’s sister vacationing in Saint Tropez” (2016)

A closer look:

Josiane Keller “a photo of Billy’s sister vacationing in Saint Tropez 2” (2016)